Not Every Trigger Is Yours to Heal

During a session, I was explaining to a client that big feelings are a treasure map. Something that's triggered you or made you feel uncomfortable is a cue to do some self-reflection work. More often than not, there's an outdated subconscious belief down there, running the show.

She sat with that, then asked: "Okay, but at what point do I stop doing the self-reflection work? At what point do I just... set a boundary?"

Great question. Honestly? Discernment!

Which means nothing without a story attached. So here's one — where I probably should've had discernment a tad sooner.

The week prior, I'd posted a story about how enraged I am about men's violence against women. No filter, no holding back — my usual style.

An old lover, who'd slipped back into my DMs a month earlier trying his luck (hard pass 🙅‍♀️), resurfaced with:

"If you're so passionate about men's violence against women, what are you doing about it?"

The feeling was instant. 😡 What the actual. He wants ME to do something about it?

Old me would've told him to go f*ck himself without hesitation.

Instead, I felt it. Breathed through it. Figured out what I actually needed — a hot shower.

Underneath the rage: the usual suspects. I'm not safe around men. I'm not supported. Old faithfuls, still running on loop.

Looking back, discernment would've meant not engaging at all — or shutting that shit down immediately.

But I didn't. Once I'd cooled down, I replied: "Men's violence is a men's issue — I'm here for women."

About 30 seconds later, he sent a voice note. Not offering sex this time. This time it was:

"Yeah, I see what you're doing here. You're not actually passionate about this issue. You're using it as a marketing ploy. Rage-baiting your clients to make more money."

There it was. My cue to set a boundary. And not because I was feeling big feelings — I wasn't feeling anything, because there was no truth in it for me. I could see it for what it was: gaslighting.

So I did what I should've done in the first place. Set a strong boundary. Told him whatever he was trying to achieve here wasn't working, that he's an interesting cat, but not my kinda cat, so feel free to move along.

He did. Unfollowed me. Possibly blocked me too, for all I know. Perfect result!

In my 1:1 coaching program, you'll learn when it's time to do the self-reflection work. But you'll also learn when it's time to set boundaries — because let's face it, sometimes telling someone to go fuck themselves really is the answer.